For many couples, the shared bedroom is a cornerstone of intimacy and connection. However, a growing number of partnerships are opting for separate sleeping arrangements, a trend sometimes dubbed a “sleep divorce.” While this might sound like a relationship red flag to some, for many, it’s a practical solution that significantly enhances both sleep quality and overall relationship satisfaction.
Hannah, a 36-year-old from Hobart, experienced this firsthand. During her pregnancy, her snoring intensified to a point where her partner found himself relocating to the spare room. Even after the birth of their child and Hannah undergoing sinus surgery, which largely resolved her snoring, the couple discovered they genuinely enjoyed their separate sleeping spaces. What began as a necessity has blossomed into a permanent arrangement that they actively recommend to other couples. “We actually love it,” Hannah shares.
The Rise of Separate Sleeping
Recent statistics reveal that a notable 18 per cent of couples now choose to sleep apart. Despite the personal benefits many find, such as improved sleep and a stronger relationship, a “pervasive stigma” surrounds the practice, according to Naomi Doyle, a family dispute resolution practitioner at Relationships Australia NSW.
“Sleeping separately is framed as a relationship issue, but it’s usually, before that, a sleep issue,” Doyle explains. She argues that the assumption that sleeping apart signifies relationship problems overlooks the substantial research indicating poorer sleep outcomes when partners share a bed.
Common Motivations for Separate Sleep
The primary driver for couples choosing separate bedrooms is the pursuit of better sleep quality. Doyle highlights several common reasons:
- Sleep Disorders and Disturbances: Conditions like sleep apnoea and significant snoring can be major disruptors. When one partner is a light sleeper, constant disturbances can lead to chronic sleep deprivation.
- Restlessness and Different Schedules: One partner might be a restless sleeper, frequently tossing and turning, which can disturb their partner. Similarly, differing work schedules, such as shift work, can create incompatible sleep patterns.
- Parental Care: New parents often opt for separate sleeping arrangements, at least temporarily, to allow one partner to tend to the baby during the night without disturbing the other.
- Divergent Bedtime Rituals and Unwinding Habits: Some couples find they have different preferences for winding down before sleep or different bedtime routines.
- Health and Life Stage Changes: As individuals navigate life stages like perimenopause, hormonal changes can lead to fluctuating body temperatures and increased sensitivity, impacting their capacity to sleep comfortably with a partner. Doyle notes that as people age, there’s a greater acceptance of practical arrangements over the outdated notion that only “good couples” share a bed.
The Impact of Sleep on Relationships
The link between good sleep and healthy relationships is profound, according to couples therapist and sexologist Isiah McKimmie. “When we are tired, we’re not at our best,” she states. “If our partner kept us awake, we are understandably annoyed and snappy with them — and long-term, it has consequences for our health and wellbeing.”
Being well-rested equips couples with more energy to invest in their relationship. Doyle frequently hears from clients who describe their decision to sleep separately as “the best thing they ever did for their relationship.” She elaborates, “We know a lack of sleep can snowball into other things… that irritability and resentment and impatience can escalate into conflict, which can then damage the relationship and put it into a more dangerous spot.”
However, it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone has the luxury of multiple bedrooms. “Sometimes people just don’t have the luxury of the space to do that,” Doyle points out.
Navigating the Stigma
Despite the growing acceptance, a “pervasive stigma” still exists. Hannah has encountered raised eyebrows when casually mentioning her sleeping arrangements. “I’ve definitely had people judge,” she admits, recalling a friend’s surprised reaction when she mentioned being pregnant again, implying a question about how that was possible given their separate rooms.
Doyle challenges the notion that sharing a bed is an automatic indicator of a strong relationship or sustained intimacy. “It’s very much something in our culture that can still have some stigma, but across the world, there are all different norms around co-sleeping. Some cultures will have the whole family in the bed.” Historically, in Europe from the 17th to 19th centuries, separate bedrooms for married couples among the upper classes were a sign of luxury and status.
Can Separate Sleep Lead to Happier Couples?
Contrary to popular belief, Doyle asserts that sleeping apart can indeed foster a stronger relationship, provided there is open communication about preserving and prioritising intimacy. She emphasises that sleep and intimacy serve “very different functions” and that couples can maintain deep emotional and sexual connections while sleeping separately.
While separate sleeping doesn’t inherently cause a loss of intimacy, the success of the arrangement hinges on individual motivations and how these are communicated. McKimmie suggests that “done well,” separate sleeping arrangements can involve partners spending time together in the same bed before sleep, or joining each other in the morning. Intimacy can also be prioritised at other times of the day.
Crucially, McKimmie stresses the importance of establishing “rituals of connection,” whatever form they take for a specific couple. She also acknowledges that it’s normal to experience feelings of hurt or loneliness if one partner is not entirely comfortable with the arrangement. For couples struggling with the decision or its implications, Doyle and McKimmie both recommend seeking professional guidance. Speaking with a couple’s counsellor or sex therapist can help navigate any underlying issues and ensure the arrangement supports, rather than hinders, the relationship. “If sleep arrangements are a symptom of a deeper issue and it persists in terms of disagreement, counselling is a good way to address that,” Doyle concludes.
