The Science of Marriage: Debunking Common Myths
Paul Eastwick, a professor of psychology at UC Davis, has spent two decades studying the science of attraction and relationships. In his book Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection and on his podcast Love Factually, he explores four widespread myths about marriage that have been debunked by modern research.
Relationship science only really began to take off in the late 1980s and 1990s, making it a relatively young field compared to other areas of study. While healthy relationships can be a major source of joy and support, they are also one of the most misunderstood topics online. Misinterpretations of scientific findings or outright fabrications often dominate the conversation.
Many of these myths stem from outdated evolutionary psychology theories or old-fashioned gendered ideas that have since been proven false. Despite this, it’s difficult to convince people that their long-held beliefs might not be supported by evidence, especially when they’ve spent time searching for information that confirms what they already think.
Although changing minds is not an easy task, doing so could significantly improve or even save marriages. Research shows that relationships have a profound impact on health and wellbeing, often more than factors like smoking or obesity. Challenging these myths could lead to healthier, more fulfilling partnerships.
Myth 1: You Must Be Completely Compatible to Make a Marriage Work
The idea that you need to be perfectly matched in traits, values, and interests to make a marriage work is a common belief. For example, if you consider yourself adventurous and intelligent, you might assume you can only be happy with a partner who shares those qualities.
However, decades of research have shown that compatibility doesn’t predict relationship success as much as people think. While some level of compatibility is important, it’s more about how two people build their relationship together. It’s less about finding a perfect match and more about working together to create something new, like two children playing in a sandbox without a blueprint.
Studies even show that couples with opposing political views don’t necessarily experience dissatisfaction. These couples often choose not to discuss their differences, which can help maintain harmony.
Myth 2: To Fix a Marriage, You Need to Fix Your Spouse
Many people go into therapy expecting the therapist to “fix” their partner. They believe the therapist will side with them during conflicts. However, therapists often find that both partners need to work on themselves and their dynamic.
This myth suggests that relationship problems arise because one person has flaws that make their partner unhappy. While there are cases where someone may need to change, this explanation is often weak. It misunderstands where the real issue lies.
Therapists usually encourage couples to focus on improving their relationship rather than trying to fix one another. Working on the relationship itself, or even seeking individual therapy first, can be a more effective starting point.
Myth 3: Women Trade Off Their Physical Attractiveness to Land a Rich Husband
This idea was popularized by a 1969 study suggesting that women value ambition and earning potential more than men, while men prioritize attractiveness over money. However, the study didn’t actually assess the physical attractiveness of men or the financial status of women.
Later research found no significant gender difference in these preferences. People may trade money for attractiveness or vice versa, but there’s no clear pattern based on gender. A healthy, loving relationship is rarely about wealth or looks.
Myth 4: A Marriage Can Survive as Its Own Island If the Couple Is Strong Enough
This myth reflects an individualist mindset, particularly in Western cultures, where the idea of “us against the world” is common. It suggests that strong marriages can withstand any challenge, and if they fail, it’s because the individuals were weak.
However, this overlooks the role of external factors such as stress and social support. A couple’s broader community and environment can significantly influence whether a relationship survives.
When a marriage ends in divorce, people often blame the couple, assuming they failed. But external pressures, such as financial difficulties or lack of support, can play a major role. It’s important to recognize these factors and avoid over-attributing failure to the individuals involved.
Couples should not isolate themselves during tough times. Maintaining connections with friends and family can provide crucial support. It’s also a reminder to approach others with empathy, recognizing that context often plays a bigger role in relationships than we realize.
