The Pain of Being Ghosted by Your Nanny
A friend texted me with the terrible news – news that no working mother wants to hear. She’d been ghosted by her nanny. At first, she simply couldn’t believe it. Her world was instantly turned upside down when her live-in help of eight months – who had the sprawling attic in her family house to herself – simply disappeared, going missing as suddenly and as completely as Katie Price’s husband.
It was only after her increasingly frantic calls went unanswered and texts ignored that the penny dropped. How could she do that to her – and how would she tell the children? Being ghosted by your nanny is not a new phenomenon, but it’s definitely on the rise. It’s happened to me, too.
According to my friend, who is more baffled than angry, everything had seemed totally normal. She only realised in hindsight that when the nanny left for her usual weekend off – this was no midnight flit – she’d had an inordinately large number of bags with her. But it didn’t occur to her that it would be the last time the woman she had been paying to live in her lovely home, and whom she had trusted to look after her three young children, would ever see them again.
In fact, the nanny had left so casually that she hadn’t even said goodbye to the children she professed to adore. In her room, she had also left behind piles of clothes, coats and toiletries, as if she was coming back. There was even the jumbo bag of rice that she dipped into for her evening meal. She was part of their family – and the children adored her.
It was only when she failed to show up again that my friend realised the nanny had blocked her on her phone. Now, she’s worrying about whether anything has been stolen – or, worse, sickeningly, if she’d ever neglected the baby while it was in her care.
The rug feels like it’s been pulled from beneath her feet, and I know exactly how she feels. When I was ghosted, it floored me completely. Mine had been living with us for four years when she left for her weekend off. There was nothing out of the ordinary until she didn’t come back on Monday morning. As a single mum, she was my right-hand woman. She had been with me when Lola was born in 2016, followed by Liberty in 2018. I thought of her as family.
I thought she must just be running late, which would have been out of character. I waited by the window, eager to spot her running down the road, apologetically. After 30 minutes, I texted her: “What time will you get here?” Then the worry set in – was she actually OK? Had something terrible happened?
She didn’t answer any of my calls. My texts got more and more frantic as the day progressed. The mixture of anger and concern I felt turned to panic. I called her mother, with whom she lived at weekends, to let her know she’d not turned up – and I never heard back.
I wondered if she’d done a Nanny McPhee, the character who quietly departs the family to avoid emotional, tear-filled farewells? Or was it something more sinister?
I looked in her room; she always took her clothes home to wash them, but she’d left her burgundy dressing gown and – gasp! – a jumbo bag of rice. Was it a sign? What was going on?
How could this person who loved my children abruptly cut off all communication without explanation? If she’d found a better job, why couldn’t she just tell me she wasn’t coming back? Even a polite brush-off would be better than this.
It took a week of texting and calling many times, at different times of day, before I accepted she’d gone. According to research by NumberBarn, an American telecommunications platform, the average person makes three unanswered calls to somebody before they realise they’ve been ghosted. Half of all respondents said the main reasons for ghosting someone were conflict avoidance, followed by toxic behaviour (21 per cent) and a lack of effort in the relationship (eight per cent).
I’ve since learnt from other parents that it happens a lot with nannies – and usually during the hiring process. Mums build up a rapport, introducing them to their family, doing trial days, sending photos to woo them… and then they get ignored with no explanation. They’ve been gazumped by a higher bidder.
Another mum was ghosted by a nanny after she’d discovered how many children she had – if it’s more than two, it can be a deal-breaker.
Stories of being ghosted by nannies are rife on forums like Reddit and Mumsnet, but the feedback isn’t always what you’d call sympathetic: “They’re not ghosting you – they’re running from your misguided expectations.”
However, once the nanny cuts her ties with you, it’s not always the end of the story. According to psychologists, it is likely that the ghoster will engage in “orbiting”, whereby she cuts off direct communication but carries on passively engaging with your life through your social media posts.
According to research published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass, ghosters go through a cycle, at first feeling relief. But their behaviour then pulls on their heartstrings, as they also experience pangs of guilt when reflecting on their actions.
For me, being abandoned by our nanny was worse than death, as there was no closure. My daughter Lola still asks me to this day why she left, and if she’ll ever come back again. I have no rational explanation to give her.
The one positive of being ghosted is that it shows you can survive it. My life wasn’t derailed by the loss of a nanny. So, if she’s reading this and wants to call me to make up – don’t. I’ve moved on with my life, just like you did.
