The Compulsion to Please Others
The tendency to please others is often seen as a distinctly female trait. Despite the evolution of gender roles and power dynamics in the modern age, the burden of people-pleasing still falls disproportionately on women. This phenomenon can be attributed to a combination of social conditioning, emotional vigilance, and outright sexism. Women are more likely to bend to the will of others, often sacrificing their own needs to ensure that others are happy.
This behavior can manifest in various ways, such as saying “yes” when you mean “no,” taking on extra responsibilities without sufficient time or energy, and neglecting self-care, viewing it as indulgent and wasteful. Research has shown that this constant effort to please others can have significant physical and mental health consequences, especially if it involves self-silencing — suppressing one’s emotional needs, monitoring behavior, and refraining from self-expression to avoid upsetting others.
The Impact of People-Pleasing on Health
Studies have highlighted the toll that people-pleasing can take on the body. A study conducted by the University of Plymouth found that women with fibromyalgia were more likely to report lifelong patterns of self-silencing. Another study published in PsyCh Journal in 2025 showed that higher levels of people-pleasing tendencies were significantly associated with lower levels of mental wellbeing among Chinese university students.
As Easter approaches, many women find themselves preparing for family gatherings, which can exacerbate the pressure to please everyone. It’s essential to understand where this compulsion comes from. Factors such as childhood experiences, confidence levels, and social networks can all play a role in shaping this behavior.
Understanding the Roots of People-Pleasing
According to Ruth Kudzi, a coaching psychologist and author of How to Feel Better, people-pleasing is a learned behavior. Our brains are constantly scanning the environment for threats, including rejection, conflict, and disapproval. When we perceive or anticipate a threat, many women may adopt the “fawn” response, pretending everything is okay to avoid fallout. This behavior can lead to relief and positive reinforcement, releasing dopamine and reinforcing neural pathways.
It doesn’t help that women are often rewarded for this behavior. If you’ve spent hours organizing an event and forgotten to eat, no one will remind you — they’ll simply thank you and ask if you’ll do it again next year. This pattern can link a person’s self-worth to being needed and approved of by others.
Long-Term Consequences
In clinical contexts, particularly for those with a history of trauma, being pleasing to others can serve as a survival mechanism. Over time, this behavior can become deeply entrenched, making it difficult to recognize. Dr. Candice O’Neil notes that many women accept their role as people-pleasers, seeing it as natural due to historical links to biology and societal expectations.
During Easter, the pressure to please can intensify, especially with more people around. For parents, there may be a heightened sense of responsibility for their children’s well-being. “Children will be home more, and we might naturally feel responsible for them having a good time away from school,” adds Dr. O’Neil. “There will typically be much less time to invest in our own emotional wellbeing at a particularly social time of year.”
The Physical Toll
For people-pleasers, Easter isn’t just an event — it’s a full-time job. Jane Ollis, a medical biochemist and founder of Neurotech Company SONA, describes it as becoming the central nervous system for the entire family. “You’re regulating everyone, smoothing tensions, and making sure no one feels left out. From a neuroscience perspective, that is a huge amount of emotional labor,” she says.
This constant regulation can trigger stress responses that lower immunity and lead to illnesses over time. “If you’re a people-pleaser, you don’t just attend Easter; you run Easter,” Ollis explains. “It’s a lovely gesture, but it also means your own system never truly switches off.”
Strategies for Change
Combating this pattern requires hard unlearning. Recognizing when your brain is switching into people-pleasing mode is the first step. “That lightning-fast, ‘yes, of course!’ before you’ve even checked in with yourself is your clue,” says Ollis. “It’s often a fast, subcortical response triggered before the thinking brain has caught up.”
Once identified, normalizing the process of challenging oneself can help. This might involve buying some time, telling someone you’ll get back to them, or checking in with your body’s responses. Do you feel anxious? Is your heart beating faster? Has your breath shortened? These signs can indicate that it’s time to step back.
“The real shift happens when you stop outsourcing your decision-making to everyone else’s needs,” adds Ollis. While this is easier said than done, the shift becomes easier with practice. “Moving from managing the external environment to creating a sense of internal stability is subtle but powerful,” notes Dominique Stelling, a psychologist and life coach.
Not abandoning oneself sounds like a worthy Easter goal — especially considering the health benefits. Good luck!
