The Origins of Column 8
Column 8 first appeared in the Herald on the eighth column of page one on January 11, 1947. It began with a quote about values, mentioning Don Bradman, a Test cricketer, and his inability to remember the number of autographs he had signed. In contrast, Marcus Oliphant, an atom expert, could recall every single one he had ever signed. The author of Column 8, known only as Granny, has never revealed their true identity. The Herald wanted to uncover more about Granny as part of its 195th anniversary celebrations on April 18.
The Identity of Granny
When asked about the bonnet, Granny responded with a humorous twist, saying they wear many hats, including a stinky mask during the pandemic, but prefer to call it their (lateral) thinking cap. When questioned about knitting, Granny emphasized that the column is for the readers, not the writer. They advised never to try to be funnier than the readers and to always keep the focus on them.
Puns and Humor
Granny admitted to getting tired of boomer puns, but also mentioned that the trick is to outpun the punter while they are trying to outpun each other. A former colleague insisted that Granny is the source of the most groans. When asked why the name “Granny” was chosen instead of “Grandpa,” Granny said it wasn’t a bad idea, noting the number of letters starting with “Dear Aunty.”
The Great Migration and Redeployment
When asked about being retrenched in 2001, Granny referred to it as the Great Migration, by George. While it was a tough time, they preferred to call it a redeployment rather than retirement. The biggest threat came from younger columns like Stay in Touch and Today’s People, which attracted celebrities.
The Meaning Behind the Name
Granny addressed the question of whether the name is outdated, noting that there are more than eight columns now. They explained that “to collimate” means to make something perfectly parallel, suggesting that the name still holds relevance.
Frequent Contributors
The topic of frequent flyers, or regular contributors, was discussed. For years, the editorial team calculated the leading contributor and published the results at year’s end. This worked well until readers started to dispute the numbers and submitted anything just to increase their chances, leading to a quantity over quality crisis.
The Mystery of George Manojlovic
Granny shared a story about George Manojlovic, a regular contributor. About nine years ago, a regular C8-er named Don Bain suggested that George might be a pseudonym used by writers to spark reader reactions. He even pointed out that “George Manojlovic” could be formed from the names Mal, Jono, and Vic. To this day, Mal, Jono, and Vic still get a mention.
Maintaining the Rage
When asked how they maintain the rage after all these years, Granny humorously replied, “Have you looked out the window lately?”
The Secret to Longevity
Granny credited their longevity to a genuine fondness for the readership. When they lose a reader, the salutations are profound.
Favorite Contributions
Granny shared some memorable contributions, such as junket tablets, Lan-Choo tea coupons, milk monitors that required sawdust monitors, the Rawleigh man, the ice man, and the dunny man. These were things they often forgot about despite living through them.
The Future of Column 8
Looking ahead, Granny noted that they have a long way to go. An Irishman’s Diary in The Irish Times has a 20-year head start. However, they emphasized that Column 8 is not a columnist talking to the public, but rather the demographic talking to itself.
Granny’s Hobbies
When not working for the Herald, Granny enjoys being at home with a cat on her lap, having yum cha, being tormented by her football team, drinking strong coffee, watching live music, and indulging in too-violent TV. Of course, knitting is also a favorite pastime.
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