The Journey of Love and Healing
Molly’s story is one of transformation, resilience, and the deep, complex emotions that come with motherhood. Initially, she didn’t feel a bond with her baby, but over time, small moments like a smile or a wave became the first signs of love.
Love takes many forms—romantic, platonic, heartbreaking, or surprising. In this series, we explore how love shapes our lives in different ways. Share your own love story with us.
A Struggle Before Motherhood
Before becoming a mother, Molly went through a difficult period during the end of the COVID-19 pandemic. She experienced work-related burnout that eventually led to depression. She tried several antidepressants, but none worked effectively. After six different medications, a psychiatrist diagnosed her with treatment-resistant depression.
The hardest part was the lack of motivation and constant sadness. She described it as, “Imagine if every single person in your life died, and how sad you would be.” That’s how she felt all the time—without joy in anything.
Her psychiatrist suggested that she might not be able to get pregnant without being on antidepressants. However, Molly wanted to avoid long-term medication, so she stopped taking them about seven months before becoming pregnant. Her pregnancy itself was smooth, but the emotional challenges began after the birth.
The Early Days of Motherhood
Molly didn’t feel a bond with her baby right away. The birth wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the ideal experience people often talk about. She was very sick for a few hours after giving birth, which meant she missed the initial bonding time of breastfeeding and cuddling.
On day three, she felt the same heaviness she had experienced with depression. She knew about the “baby blues,” but this felt much worse. She still didn’t feel the rush of love that others described. Instead, she felt more protectiveness towards her child.
She felt sad about not connecting with her baby and then guilty about that feeling. One day, while driving home with her three-week-old daughter, who screamed the whole way, Molly thought, “I’m the worst person for this job. This kid would be better off with someone who loved her more than me.”
She tried singing to her, but it only made her cry because she still didn’t feel anything.
Isolation and Challenges
When her husband returned to work at just four days old, Molly was left alone most of the time. Her mother was there during the day, but she handled the nights by herself. She couldn’t sleep even though she was exhausted. She would feel unsettled when she had the chance to nap, or wake up in panic, worried that her baby might need her.
She became quieter and less interested in eating. The isolation was overwhelming. During the night, she spent a lot of time alone with her baby, and when people reached out, they often asked, “Are you loving it?” It was hard to say, “Yeah, it’s great,” when it wasn’t.
Finding Help and Support
What helped Molly was reaching out to a maternal child health nurse. She started crying and told the nurse she felt terrible and didn’t know what to do. The nurse wrote a referral, but it took six months to get an appointment.
At two weeks postpartum, she saw her GP, who was kind and supportive but couldn’t help her get into therapy. At 12 weeks postpartum, she spoke to her obstetrician about the ongoing feelings of sadness and was given a list of psychologists. She managed to see one almost immediately.
The treatment was challenging. She cried a lot, but the psychologist encouraged her to bring her daughter to some sessions. Watching their interactions helped reassure her that they had a good bond. This gave her hope and gradually helped her heal.
Falling in Love
When her daughter was five months old, they traveled to the Philippines. The experience of traveling with her baby made Molly realize that she could handle anything. They did an island-hopping day, and her daughter was happy and smiling throughout. Molly felt proud and happy to see her thriving.
As her daughter began sleeping better and becoming more settled, Molly felt a stronger connection. She realized that falling in love with her daughter was an amazing experience.
It took a long time to reach that point, but now she feels happy and enjoys spending time with her child more than anything else. She’s even re-evaluating her career choices. The greatest joy in her life is spending time with her daughter.
